Funny Short Stories and Lines

Did you hear about the man at the grocery store?Cokes fell on him, but they didn't hurt him because they were soft drinks!

Once there was this family that was going to Disneylandand they came to a sign that said: Disneyland LEFTand so they went home.

A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers." The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee. "This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.

When a three-year-old opened a birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol.He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.His Mother was not so pleased. She turned to Grandmom and said, "I'm surprised at you.Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"Grandmom smiled and then replied, "I remember."

One night a man was having a dream. He dreamt that he was a tee-pee. The next night he had the same dream, except he was a wigwam. He keeps having the dreams over and over so he goes to his therapist. He tells the doctor about his dreams and asks what they mean.The doctor replied, "Oh, that's easy. You're just too tense!"

There was this guy watching T.V., and he heard a knock at the door,so he got up to get it, and when he opened the door,all he saw was a snail, so he picked it up and threw it as far as he could,and three years later he was watching T.V., and someone knocked at the door,so he got up to get it, and there the snail was, and the snail looked up at the guy and said,"What in the heck was that for?"

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did. Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anbody could have done!

There was this guy in his car who had ten peguins in the back seat, and a cop came up to him and said "It's illigal to have those penguins, you need to take them to the zoo." So he did! The next day the cop saw the man again with the same penguins in the back seat except they had sunglasses and towels. The cop said "Hey, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo" and the guy said "I did, today I'm taking them to the beach!"

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?" She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"