Comedians One-Liners

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Sue Murphy

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'
Jerry Seinfeld

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.
Wendy Liebman

Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
Daniel Lybra

In a nutshell, just be good and kind to your children, because not only are they the future of the world, but they are the ones who can eventually sign you into the home.
Dennis Miller

A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.
Bill Cosby

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me.
Bobcat Goldthwait

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.
Tim Allen

We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers. They would call it On Anon Anon.
Paula Poundstone

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under D.
Mitch Hedberg

I've had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx