Robert Schmidt-isms

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of everything happens in a foreign country.

I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence the demographics one way or another.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.

That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you" say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."

In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?