More Stephen Wright-isms

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... It feels real."

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen.

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost--$50. If found, just keep it."

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... You can't hear him talk.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!

What do batteries run on?

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.