Even More Stephen Wright-isms

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.